You’ve been feeling trapped lately. As you look around, everything seems absurd. The things in your life that once brought you joy now seem like a waste of time. You find yourself feeling increasingly isolated and detached from the world around you. You look in the mirror and question who’s staring back, or you might not even look anymore. You oscillate from deep pain to feeling hollow and back again. It’s feeling like it’s going to be this way forever. You’re looking for a way out.

You’re not alone.

An Ancient Story

It is inherent that we will undergo transformations throughout our lives in which we viscerally experience metaphorical death–so much so that we feel as though we may actually be dying. Sometimes this psychic pain is excruciating. You may have heard this experience commonly referred to as an “existential crisis,” “crisis of faith,” “ego death,” or a “dark night of the soul.”

This has been experienced for millennia and has been explored throughout history. Storytelling illuminates our collective human experience, and stories from sources across time and space reflect on the experience of deep existential transformation. Many examples can be found across cultures, but here we’ll explore the Greek myth of Psyche. The word, “Soul,” comes from the Greek word “psyche,” which translates to “butterfly,” and refers to an ancient goddess often depicted with butterfly wings.

The Story of Psyche

Psyche was born the youngest of three daughters of a king and queen. It is said that she was the most beautiful of all mortals during her lifetime. As word spread of her beauty, it is said that people began to worship Psyche’s beauty and began to neglect Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty. Succumbing to jealousy and anger, Aphrodite decided to punish Psyche. Aphrodite sent her son, Eros (also known as Cupid by the Romans), to use his magic arrows to make Psyche fall in love with the most disgusting and detestable of creatures.

Eros attempted to strike Psyche while she was sleeping, but she startled awake upon his entrance. One version of the story says that Eros fell in love with her upon seeing her beauty, while another version says that he accidentally wounded himself with an arrow in her presence, causing him to fall in love. Nevertheless, Aphrodite’s plan was thwarted, and Eros fell in love with Psyche.

Despite Psyche’s father having had success in finding suitors for his two eldest daughters, he was unable to do so for Psyche due to the overwhelming nature of her beauty. The king went to consult an oracle who informed him that Psyche was destined to marry a horrible monster and instructed him to dress her in funeral clothes and take her to the tallest rock spire in the kingdom to meet her doom. The king did as instructed and abandoned Psyche atop the rock. Zephyrus, Greek lord of the West Wind, found her and carried her away. It is said that she was taken to a place where she fell into a deep slumber and awoke in a palace of gems and gold.

While in the palace, a disembodied voice instructed Psyche to make herself at home. Psyche realized she had been married to the owner of the voice, who only visited at night and had forbidden her from looking at his face. As weeks passed, Psyche fell in love with her mysterious spouse and became pregnant. Psyche spent her days feeling lonely and waiting for the night to spend time with her love. She requested that her sisters be allowed to visit, and her spouse obliged.

Due to their jealousy and upon learning of the arrangements of Psyche’s marriage, her sisters persuaded her that her husband must be the foretold monster, and she should kill him while he was sleeping. Psyche snuck into her husband’s room with an oil lamp and a knife. When she saw his face in the lamplight, Psyche realized her husband was Eros and changed her mind. However, she accidentally spilled oil on him. Eros awoke and suddenly took flight to seek care for his burns from his mother, Aphrodite. 

Upon his departure, the palace vanished, and Psyche found herself alone in a field. Psyche’s sisters attempted to reach the palace again, hoping Eros would take one of them as his wife. They jumped off the rock spire, thinking Zephyrus would carry them away, but they fell to their deaths. Psyche wandered the fields looking for Eros where she encountered Demeter, goddess of agriculture, who advised her to go beg for forgiveness from Aphrodite.
Aphrodite had Psyche whipped and tortured for secretly marrying Eros. Afterwards, she was given barrels of many different kinds of grain all mixed together and was ordered to have them sorted before nightfall in order to be forgiven. Psyche fell into despair when considering the impossibility of the task, but an ant who had witnessed her torture offered assistance. The ant recruited its colony to sort the grain, and the task was completed.

This enraged Aphrodite, and she decided she would give Psyche a new impossible task. Aphrodite ordered Psyche to shear golden fleece from the most violent rams that would surely kill her. Psyche approached a river near the rams and resolved to die by drowning herself. The river god, Potamoi, appeared and requested Psyche not release her suffering into the water. Potamoi told Psyche that if she waited until the weather was cooler, the rams would be approachable and the task would be possible. Psyche did as she was advised and was able to shear the rams.

Aphrodite next instructed Psyche to retrieve black water from the River Styx in a crystal cup. Psyche ventured towards her destination and fell into despair once more, as she realized reaching the river would require climbing a dangerous cliff. Psyche felt this was an impossible task and that she would surely fall to her death. Zeus, the king of the gods, sent an eagle to take the crystal cup to the River Styx, and it retrieved the water for her.

In her last attempt to order an impossible task, Aphrodite sent Psyche with a golden box to the Underworld to retrieve a sample of beauty from Persephone, the goddess of Spring and Queen of the Underworld. Psyche again fell into despair and decided to die by jumping to her own death from a tower. As she prepared to jump, the tower spoke to her and informed her of a passageway into the Underworld. Upon her arrival, Persephone greeted her and willingly filled the box. On her journey back to present the box to Aphrodite, Psyche opened the box and received the kiss of death.

Eros, his burns fully healed, took flight to seek out his lover. Eros found Psyche’s body and carried it to Mount Olympus, the home of the gods. Eros petitioned Zeus to revive Psyche, and Zeus obliged upon the condition that Eros assist him in the future in capturing the heart of a mortal. The gods were assembled, and Aphrodite was instructed never to harm Psyche again. Psyche was given ambrosia, the drink of the gods, granting her immortality and establishing her as goddess of the soul. Psyche would later give birth to Hedone, the goddess of pleasure.

A Side Note on Love

A theme I would like to emphasize here is the role that love plays. Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty, is at the root of jealousy and the trials Psyche endures, but her impossible tasks also draw out the compassion of a supportive community. Eros, the god of love, is a secret and forbidden companion resulting in loneliness, confusion, wounding, and abandonment. Later, this love is responsible for healing, metamorphosis, and immortality. So, in this story, we can see how love drives the transformational cycle. Love is at the root of destruction, and love is at the root of revitalization.

Souls, Mythology, and Existentialism

What does this have to do with therapy? You could argue this is the realm of spiritual leaders, academics, and philosophers. Well, that is certainly true. But also, if we look at “psychology” (“psyche” + “ology”), this is also the realm of therapists. Psychology defines “psyche” as the whole of the mind. I believe that your spirituality, values, experiences, culture, and life philosophy are critical pieces to navigating through the dark nights you encounter.

That said, I want to invite you to explore some ways of embracing the darkness and change you are being called toward in your life

Annihilation Metamorphosis

In the depths of an existential crisis, it can feel as if the very essence of our existence is unraveling. The profound questions and uncertainty about life's meaning can leave us feeling lost and disconnected. However, it's important to remember that an existential crisis is not a dead end but an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. The Sun rises after a dark night. A crisis is a turning point, not a permanent state of being.

In the natural life cycle of a forest, wildfires turn the landscape to ash in order to clear out the old growth and fertilize the soil with dense nutrients to nurture the new. A caterpillar enters a cocoon, and its body dissolves completely into liquid before transforming into a butterfly. In nature, we find many examples of what could be perceived as annihilation that are actually cyclical changes and transformations in disguise.

When we consider what this might look like regarding therapy, the first example is your decision to attend therapy. Choosing to seek support with something you’ve been struggling with is a choice to deliberately examine, confront, and catalyze the changes occurring within you. While in therapy, you may experience a journey of self-discovery, acceptance, and transformation. Along the way, you may notice how particular thoughts, feelings, and behaviors serve or inhibit you. You will be presented with the opportunity to change aspects of your daily life that will ripple out to affect your emerging Self.

Notice & Acknowledge

While there might be parts of us resistant to being present during dark times, presence is also necessary for moving through challenges so we don’t get stuck. If you are in a “dark night” or are experiencing an “existential crisis,” how do you intentionally notice? Think of it as collecting data. Investigating. What do you see? What’s different? Where’s the pain?

Noticing leads to acknowledging. I encourage you to acknowledge the present for all that it is. Observe your thoughts, feelings, reactions, dreams, desires, and life circumstances. If noticing is seeing, acknowledging is knowing. Take all the information you’ve acquired through investigating and observe how the pieces fit together. Recognize that your current experience is an invitation for inner exploration and an opportunity to confront and transcend your deepest fears and struggles.

When we’re in crisis, doing this alone can feel impossible and overwhelming. If we call back moments like this from the story of Psyche, there was someone from her community that was attuned to her and the situation that offered support. Seeking support and safe spaces during this time can make the seemingly impossible possible. We heal in community.

Accept & Embrace

Seeing and knowing. Investigating and observing. These are processes that move you towards acceptance. Recognize that it is natural and human to question purpose and existence. Maybe you have encountered advice about how we should “embrace the discomfort” or “surrender to the process.” I don’t conform to these ideas. It is natural for us as animals to withdraw from pain. 

Acceptance is challenging when we are overwhelmed. In therapy, we work to accept that change is occurring. We accept that you are capable of surviving, and that you are also capable of thriving. Accept that something waits for you on the other side. The butterfly does not see its beautiful winged transformation during their time in the cocoon, as it's the process that leads to the transformation.

Cultivating this acceptance manifests the capacity to embrace not just the process, but also the person you are becoming throughout the transformation. I encourage you to embrace all that you’re being called to do in this moment: persist in this moment of crisis and tend to your needs. Instead of “embracing the discomfort,” embrace your innate resiliency. If self-care is an act of resistance in our society, so too is radical and transformational growth. I will not ask you to surrender any power. I ask you to embrace it. I  ask you to wield it. 

Self-compassion is a key ingredient to embracing the process of becoming. Be gentle and allow yourself to experience the full breadth of emotions that will surface during this dark night. Fear, sadness, anger, confusion. These emotions are often seen as “bad,” but are inherent to your existence, and it’s your psyche’s way of communicating with you. What messages are coming to you from the depths of your Soul?

Cultivating and expressing gratitude towards yourself and others is often an easy starting point for tending to the more psychic needs of your being. The lessons and growth that arise from the darkness you are traversing are shaping you into a wiser, stronger, more compassionate, and more resilient individual. Honor these gifts.

As a culture, we tend to conflate the idea of self-esteem and self-compassion. A leading researcher in the study of self-compassion, Dr. Kristin Neff, distinguishes these terms by describing self-compassion as self-kindness versus self-judgment, feelings of common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification with your thoughts and emotions. Self-esteem is often manifested through individuating ourselves by a process of measuring our abilities and judging them in comparison to others. It is completed in isolation, and we tend to define who we are based on the thoughts and emotions we experience. The human condition dictates that we are imperfect, and we will experience suffering. Self-compassion allows us to see the vitality in the storm and leverage imperfections and suffering for growth. Self-esteem calls upon us to seek shelter in isolation to not fall into despair. What path will lead you in the direction of your values?

Soul-Searching

During this time, it is important to balance solitude and community. Too much solitude can lead to intense loneliness, resulting in despair. Too much community can lead to neglect of the care of your emerging Self, resulting in internal disconnect. This balancing act is best managed through intensive self-reflection, otherwise known as soul-searching.

In community, we tend to reveal different parts of ourselves in different social settings. The parts of you most present at work are not necessarily the same parts most present with friends or family. For example, you may notice that when you are with children, a caretaker part of you is active. At work, you may be led by a part that is more oriented to task management. In the presence of your parents, more childlike parts of you may be more active no matter how old you are. As you move through your day, pay attention to what parts of you are showing up in each situation and environment. How do you relate to these parts of you? What do these parts have in common? What are their strengths, and how do they serve you? 

Aside from exploration, seeking support during this time is crucial. Engage in deep and meaningful conversations and activities with friends, family, and a therapist who can provide empathetic listening, validation, and insights. Sharing your thoughts, feelings, and time with someone who understands can help alleviate potential isolation, provide new perspectives, and generate hope.

Soul-searching is a time for introspection and integration. What are you learning about who you’re becoming? How is your body reacting to these changes? Reflect on your values, aspirations, and beliefs. Try to identify any disconnects and areas of growth. This process can help you gain clarity and a deeper understanding of yourself.  Creating a sacred space where you can disconnect from external distractions while immersing yourself in self-reflection and healing will support transformation. This could be through meditation, spending time in nature, creative expression, or engaging in other calming activities that promote self-awareness. Be sure to tend to your physical wellness through intuitive eating, practicing sleep hygiene, and staying hydrated. What is stressful for the mind is also stressful for the body.

Meaning & Purpose

If we look at an existential crisis as the dissolution and death of a former sense of meaning and purpose, it becomes apparent that reconnecting with meaning and purpose is a critical aspect of healing and growing. Here you can call on your spirituality, core values, beliefs, dreams, and discoveries to align your actions. Engage in activities that contribute to your well-being, connect you to others, or make an impact on the world. Through this process, you may find new paths toward meaningful engagement and fulfillment. Be open. It's okay to embrace the unknown. Allow yourself to open up to the expanse of experiences and possibilities, as it may hold gifts for you.

Becoming is Not Linear

While I’ve broken this process into chunks in what seems to be a linear progression, it is far more nuanced. It’s more like dancing among the trees instead of walking a straight path through the woods. Once you’ve noticed, acknowledged, reflected, and cultivated some amount of meaning, it’s time to integrate that meaning to then build upon it further. Bit by bit, the act of becoming and healing unfolds at the same time. This process happens many times throughout our lifespan. Trust your innate wisdom to guide you to your chosen destination.

My words will not eliminate your pain, but incorporating these practices can salve the wound. Healing from a "dark night of the soul" is an intense and transformative journey that demands courage, self-reflection, and spiritual nourishment. I encourage you to embrace this profound opportunity for growth and connection with your Self. Through self-compassion, spiritual practices, therapy, and connections with others on a similar path, you can heal, find light within the darkness, and emerge with a deeper sense of purpose and authenticity.

d.j. clark, LLMSW, CCTP (he/they) graduated from Wayne State University with a Bachelor’s in English and Arizona State University with a Master’s Degree in Social Work. d.j. is a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional and ADHD specialist. He has a crisis intervention and community work background and experience working with individuals and couples. d.j.’s practice leverages an eclectic approach rooted in narrative development, self-empowerment, and fostering connection to the natural environment to attune the therapeutic alliance to the human experience of each individual. When not at work, d.j. is most likely wandering in the woods, grounding himself in the soil of his garden, or meandering through a labyrinth of books.